Monday, 8 May 2017

Going in Slow Motion

Recently I have been feeling a bit lost, a bit distant and out of touch from the world. So many things are happening all at once. So many changes. I don't know how to feel about it all and how to keep up with it. It feels like the world is carrying on around me at lightening speed and I'm going in slow motion. I've got my exams at the end of this week and next week and I have been cramming in as much revision as I physically can. But what am I going to do after that? I've my birthday and my sister's to look forward to and a holiday but that is about it!

I've got this sudden fear that I'm actually going to have time by myself to think (overthink) about everything. Last summer was tough... I had just finished a stressful year at uni, my ex dumped me and I had little to no friends. If it wasn't for Nicole and Katie (And Jack) I would have had one of the worst summers ever! I pretty much spent 4 months home alone, trying to find things to do during the day but had zero motivation to actually do them. 

I'd spend hours in bed just staring at the ceiling, thinking about life, endlessly scrolling through Twitter and Facebook until my fingers cramped up. Crying over my break up, feeling miserable day in and day out. I spent hours exercising (literally 2/3 hours on my exercise bike non-stop) just to fill the day up and to keep my mind active, so I didn't overthink every little detail and put myself in a bad mood. 

I know a lot of students feel like this, especially once they graduate and they are left to fend for themselves. I am dreading that feeling and I am praying that I'll be able to find a job as soon as possible. I guess I get the same sort of feelings as graduates do. I long for a break, uni is so intense and there is always something going on. But when you have time to actually stop and think and to have a bit of 'me' time, it isn't always a good thing. You're so alone in your own thoughts and you don't know what to do with yourself. I know my sister felt like this as well throughout uni and when she graduated, so I know it is all normal, but it still doesn't make it easy. 

A lot of people say to me "Enjoy your summer, you finally have a break and nothing to worry about" but the thing is, I can't fully enjoy it. Yes, it is nice to not have any guilt for chilling on the sofa and watching a film but at the same time, your mind is so used to being active and on the go 24/7, that your whole body just crashes. Like a deflating ballon, slowly shrivelling up and losing all motivation (air) to go through another day of being home alone. This year I have been actively looking for work experience/Internships to fill up some time and to gain some experience and possibly earn money, so I am hoping that I get something. However, I still need a break... I am really struggling to find the balance. 

Last year was tough and the lonely days got the better of me, to the point where one day I just broke down and told my parents I needed to see the doctor about my mental health. I was so consumed by own thoughts that I just wanted to speak to someone different. Which brings me on to talking about how important Mental Health Awareness Week is. From today (8th May) until the 14th May, it is Mental Health Awareness Week. A week of spreading awareness, supporting each other, opening up to loved ones or someone you trust. Share your story and help other people to share theirs. Don't let your thoughts consume you like mine did. Make this your week to open up and get help, or to just talk to a friend and feel less alone. 


You're brave, you're not alone, you can beat this!
Speak up and get help!

Monday, 24 April 2017

Unwelcome in the Blogging World

I feel like I have no place in the blogging or online 'world' anymore. I can't post content 24/7 like some other people are able to do and because of this, I feel forgotten about. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. When I tweeted how I felt, I got so many replies from people saying they could relate, that it was exactly the same as their own experience. Blogging/Twitter has evolved dramatically over the past 4 years since I started my blog and I'm not saying this is a bad thing, change is good and it is needed, however I feel like I've got lost along the way.

I feel like if you're not part of a clique, or not participating in the crazy (ridiculous) amounts of blog chats that are happening, you are invisible. You can't argue, there are cliques! This naturally happens in any environment so I'm not saying it's restricted to blogging/mental health etc but I do feel unwanted whenever I speak my mind online. This is very apparent in the 'mental health community'. I've bitten my tongue for too long now and I just feel like this needs to be said. I know it is a very touchy subject so I'm only going to talk about my experience as an individual.

I feel like I am not relevant in the MH community; I don't tweet about every panic attack I have or every exposure I do on a daily basis purely because 1) I don't feel I need to (it is completely fine if you feel you need/want to) and 2) Do people really care? My whole timeline would be filled with me saying "Yep, just had my 5th panic attack of the week".

I'm not in any way saying it's wrong for people to speak out when they're struggling and it is SO important for us to talk about mental health, but the reason why it is affecting me is because if I was to join in a mental health blog chat/meet up, I feel like I am not welcome. Because I don't openly express about my struggles online, people don't actually realise how bad I am/can be. No matter how many times someone says "You are welcome, you are part of the community" I just don't feel like I am.

I've seen the 'dark side' to blogging. Yes, it is not all white marble backgrounds, rose gold objects, cacti and Charlotte Tilbury lipsticks, I am fully aware of that and I'm not naive to think that it is. But when will people see what some people are really like? I've mentioned this in one of my recent posts but once again I can't keep looking at my Twitter timeline and seeing others gushing over people who have used and manipulated me in the past. Fair enough they might treat others differently but to me they are hiding behind a kind and caring persona. I know some other girls who have been affected by this as well so I know I'm not alone in this, which makes me feel physically sick to say. Being told that you're the only person someone has and you're the only one that keeps them fighting on, to then find out that you are one of many girls who 'helps' this person, just fills you with so much disgust.

All I want to do is help and care for people but this has been used and tarnished and I now know that not everyone is the same as how they present themselves online (obvious, right?!). People who have also been used in this way have explained how they feel behind closed doors, however, they haven't expressed it in the open like I have and still continue to gush over this person. I'm not sure but to me, that just seems like they are still naive and haven't truly convinced themselves that some people are not true friends. What confuses me the most is that it is so blatantly obvious that this is happening but no one seems to care.

It has been so damaging for me to trust someone with my feelings to then have it chucked back in my face for their own benefit. I am seeing tweets constantly about how much they are struggling and naturally people are replying with supportive messages (which does reassure me that there are nice people out there), but seeing these tweets and knowing deep down that this person is either making it all up or is emphasising on a tiny detail just to fit into a community, makes me so angry.

I know I've completely rambled and gone off of my point but I just need to let it all out now. I can't keep bottling it all up. Moving on to the main point; I feel I've been forgotten about. I knew it would happen one day and people can't make me think differently. When I started blogging I was a beauty blogger, I had my niche and I rolled with it. I connected with so many lovely people and made so many friends, some of which are still my friends today. But since changing to more of a lifestyle/MH blogger I have suddenly been left out of the loop.

I feel like if you're not blogging about the latest beauty must haves or the next thing in fashion, you are not part of the community. I put my heart and soul into my posts and get very little back and then there are some people who can write five lines of a blog post and suddenly they are the next best thing. I know it is not a competition and I am blogging for me and no one else but I'm only human, I will question why I'm not as good as others. I will question what I am doing differently to others, I can't help it. I just feel like I am wasting my time and I know many others who feel like this.

When I mentioned this on Twitter I was overwhelmed by the response. It's ironic that when I tweet about feeling forgotten, I get lots of replies! But that just sums it up. We are all feeling like this, but why? Some said they feel that because they don't run a beauty or a fashion blog, they have no where to fit in with the blogging world. This is exactly it! Blogging has changed from expressing how we feel, to just posting relatable content to gain exposure rapidly, hence why so many people are jumping on the blogging bandwagon thinking it is all fun and games. Others said they just feel like it's them and their blog and then everyone else. It is so hard to join in with blog chats because where you're not part of them weekly, you don't become part of the clique (using this word lightly) and it's basically like talking to a brick wall.

Tams on Twitter summed it up perfectly: "As much as everyone says 'You're welcome and wanted here' I call BS on it. I don't post regularly therefore I am not wanted." - @peachesandbear

I don't know what else I have to say really. I just feel very lost and numb, unwanted and kicked to the curb. I can't help that I feel like this and no one can make me feel differently. I guess I'll just have to keep plodding on.

Do you feel like this? What's your view on this subject?
Let me know in the comments or on Twitter!
Thank you for all of the support!

Monday, 10 April 2017

Embrace Yourself

Yesterday I did a big thing, I went out in public in a dress. To some people that is an every day ritual, to me it felt like an impossible obstacle. But with Rich's encouraging words and compliments, I decided to take the plunge. All I could think was what are other people thinking when they look at me, my chunky milk bottle legs on full show, my stomach rolls hanging down, the flabby bits of my arms just peaking out of the side of my dress. Yes, I didn't feel completely comfortable in myself and I just wanted to hide away from everyone but in reality, it was 24 degrees and jeans would have been too much! 

Once I got outside and made my way into London I noticed myself not caring as much and I managed to just enjoy the day. I reminded myself that people don't actually care about what I look like, especially in London when it is filled with thousands of other people. 

I have put on weight I can't shy away from that and I may not be doing anything about it but aside from that fact, I want to feel happy in my own skin regardless of what size and shape I am. Yes I can do workouts everyday and maybe eat a little less chocolate but even when I am more toned and slimmer am I going to automatically feel more confident and happy? 

Who says I have to be toned and slim to be confident? Who says I can't have stomach rolls and stretch marks and not feel confident in my own skin? 


Confidence comes from within. I have severe social anxiety so I constantly doubt myself and feel paranoid and by being more 'model like' does not mean I'm going to instantly feel happier and more confident. I'm still going to have all the issues I had before. I am always going to feel paranoid, nervous, anxious, on edge... the list goes on. 

I'm never going to be completely slim and petite because my body and bone structure is just not like that. I have a wide rib cage so I'm always going to appear bigger. I have stretch marks and they're not going to go anytime soon, pretty much every girl has them anyway so to be honest I could not care less that I have them. 
We need to start embracing ourselves, embrace the scars and stretch marks, the flabby bits because we all have them. The phrase 'Summer Body' needs to stop being thrown about and associated with slim and toned figures. A 'Summer Body' is whatever you make it. It's YOUR body. I'm going on holiday in July and I am definitely not rushing to sort my body out so I can have that 'Summer Body' because I already have that body. It's just my body but in the Summer, right? 

I can't lie, I don't love my body but I don't entirely hate it! I can easily change it to how I want it to be but I'm in no rush. I want to learn how to be happy in my body regardless of how it looks and we all need to do the same!

Stop the negative talk about your body and the way you look. It is our differences that we need to embrace, it makes us unique and beautiful.

Read more posts about self-confidence here:

Self Confidence

The Self Love Challenge

This Is Me

Saturday, 8 April 2017

A Blurred Reality.

Is what we see online really what it's like in real life? 

No.

Social media has completely blurred the reality. I know personally that I can act like a confident and happy person but in real life I'm shy and quiet. Blogging in particular has made me realise how much we can blur the reality.

I've spoken to people on Twitter, I trusted them (stupidly), I spoke to them everyday and saw them as friends. Well... wasn't I wrong! They used me when I was most vulnerable, they made me believe that I was the only one who was there for them when they needed it the most. When I found out that I wasn't the only person they were speaking to, I wasn't surprised because I had seen them talk to other people, but what did surprise me was that they way they were talking to the other people was the way they spoke to me.

I felt used, hurt, physically sick with anger! How can someone use me at my most vulnerable time.

When I've met people from online in real life, I've noticed how different they are. This isn't always a bad thing and I'm sure I'm different to how I am online. But when it's noticeably different, that's when you question it.

I'm not stupid. I know we are all probably different online compared to real life. That's not a problem. It doesn't mean we're fake! Some people, like me find it easier to communicate online. This is probably why I have been so hurt in the past. Even Rich has said that I'm different to how I am online. When he first saw me Twitter he thought I would've been high maintenance and a typical beauty blogger, but now since knowing me in real life he knows I'm the complete opposite!

We can hide behind a screen, be a more polished version of ourselves. Or some people are completely transparent and don't hide behind their online persona. 

The moral is, we can't trust everyone online however much we want to. When you see someone online being overly nice, calling people their friends when they haven't even spoken to them before, that's when you need to question it. Yes, they may just be really nice people but from my experience they are just saying these things to fit in with the crowd, be noticed and loved by many. When in reality, they are just using these people to gain some kind of authority. 

I don't know. I might be wrong. Maybe I am. But I've learnt over the past year that not everyone online is how they really are. It is a blurred reality. 

Friday, 7 April 2017

I Miss You Den || Race For Life

It's been 5 years and it still feels so raw. I don't think a day goes by where I don't think about my Grandad. I never actually called him 'Grandad', he was known as Den... I remember I called him Grandad once and he told me to 'F off' :') 

Death is such a weird thing but unfortunately it is something we can't prevent. Den died at the age of 74 years old on New Years Eve, due to bowel cancer and a number of other illnesses. At the time, chemo and operations were offered to him but he turned them down as he did not want to put himself through anymore pain. His cancer was terminal and it was taking over his body day by day. It was so horrible to watch someone you love deteriorate in front of your eyes. 
He was my best friend; we used to 'people watch' together in the Morrisons car park, play 'schools' together in which he insisted his name was 'Fred Blobs', watch cowboy films together while we scoff through a bag of Twiglets and watch Horrid Henry together (I can still hear him singing the theme tune)... these are the things I miss doing the most. We were inseparable! 
When you're told that someone you love and care for has cancer, you immediately think of the worst case scenario, you immediately think of how long they've got left. It is like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode in any second.

I've never really spoken about my grandad on here before but it felt like the right time to dedicate a post to him! On the 14th of October my sister and I are running the Race For Life 5k 'Pretty Muddy'! I've always wanted to participate in this but I've never got round to applying, so I've made this year my year to get muddy and raise some money for Cancer Research UK
My grandad unfortunately lost his battle to cancer however, with the help from all of your donations, Cancer Research have more money to invest in developing better treatments, conducting more research and to find a way to fight this horrible illnesses once and for all, meaning a cancer diagnosis doesn't have to be a life sentence!

I know people currently fighting their battle with Cancer and with your help they WILL win! If you could donate even £1 to my fundraising page > HERE that would honestly mean the world to me and all the cancer sufferers out there <3

Thank you for all of your support
x

Rich has also written a blog post about cancer > Give it a read here and give it all the love and support it deserves! I'm beyond proud of him!

Thursday, 6 April 2017

Failure

I constantly look at life in black and white. Success and failure. For some reason over time I've created this ideology of, if I have a good day then I have succeeded, but if I have a down day or something happens that was not part of the 'plan' I've failed. If I've had a bad day before I'll force myself to have a good day the next day. But life just does not work like that. You can't force yourself to feel a certain way. 

I need to start telling myself, that if a plan does not go the way I imagined I have not failed and the day has not been bad. When I get it into my head of how a day should pan out or if I look forward to going to an event but then have to cancel at the last minute, it feels like the world is ending. It feels like all the walls are crumbling down and I can't control anything. 

I don't know why I'm like this. I just build up a massive expectation in my head and if it does not compare to what I had imagined, then it ruins everything for me. You might think I'm exaggerating or I'm a drama queen... maybe I am?! I mentioned this on Twitter a few weeks ago and some others said they felt the same way so it's nice to know I'm not alone! 

I had a little cry this morning about life. I know many university students probably do this, so I know I'm not alone. I've gone from being busy 24/7 to now actually having time for myself. I was the exact same last year so I kind of knew it was going to happen again. I spend the whole year wishing I could just have some time to rest and not have to think about anything, but now I'm actually at this stage, all I want is to keep myself active (physically & mentally). 

I put way too much pressure on myself and feel the need to succeed in everything I do, which is good because I'm always working hard to succeed, but when I fail it feels like all of my hard work is wasted. I know this is normal, isn't it?! So why do I beat myself up so much? 

I need to start telling myself that it's ok to have a crappy day and those crappy days are a small amount amongst the millions of happy days I have! I basically wrote this post to just get everything off my chest, so sorry for the long ramble. But if there's one thing you can take from this is; it's ok not to be ok and you do not and will not succeed all the time. It does not mean you're failure in general, or at all. 

Thursday, 23 March 2017

The Survival Pack for University || @TheUniBox_*

I'm now at the end of my second year of uni, honestly where the hell has the time gone? I feel like I've only just started the second year! If you've been a reader of my blog since 2015/2016, you'll know how much I have struggled with uni and how much of a journey it has been. I am finally ok with it... yes, it is still hard but I can manage it better now!

University is a massive jump from school/college and I don't think anyone is truly prepared for it, I definitely wasn't. So when The UniBox contacted me asking if I wanted to try one of their subscription care boxes, I was so excited! This is such a good concept, obviously we are all aware of how subscription boxes work, but this one isn't your average beauty box... this is perfectly tailored for university students. Parents, other loved ones, friends or students themselves can purchases these boxes as a little 'pick-me-up' throughout the university experience. Every now and again it's nice to have a little present for all of the hard work you do and this box is the perfect thing.

Inside March's Box is the following (Thank you Rich for being my hand model): 

Popcorn Shed Salted Caramel with Belgian Chocolate:

This is the perfect little snack for them boring 9am lectures you drag yourself to... or for the Netflix marathons you're having instead of doing uni work (We all do it)! 

Sebamed Grapefruit Shower Gel: 

This refreshing shower gel is the ideal thing to wake you up in the morning or to wash the day away in the evening! The citrus scent immediately makes you feel fresh and revived... the perfect thing for an early start or a refresh after a messy night out!

Rainbow Sticky Notes:

These are lifesavers for me! I'm always using sticky notes to jot down deadlines, write to-do-lists, save pages in books, there's endless possibilities! Who doesn't like rainbows?!

Creative Nature Superfoods Goji Flapjack:

This was by far one of my favourite things in the box! It is the ideal snack for when I'm travelling to uni, or when I just need a little pick-me-up in between lectures and tutorials. The sweetness of the goji berries made me want endless amounts! I'm definitely going to buy some more of these ASAP! 

Dept. Store for the Mind

These little stickers made me fill with joy, I am such a sucker for little cute things like this! They're the perfect little reminder for when you're feeling a bit down and drowning in work! "Trust your gut", "The answers are everywhere", "Not everything will be ok, but most things will"... these cute little doodle stickers can make anyone happy! 

Help Me Organics: 'Help me, it's way past my bedtime' Dreamy Room Spray:

This product especially excited me a lot! Recently, I have been really struggling to sleep... I am constantly waking up and having panic attacks, and struggle to calm my mind. This is the perfect thing for me! All you need to do is spray it around your room and on your pillows and it will instantly calm the mind, with hints of lavender and other essential oils! Just the thing you need to wind down after a busy day!

Cocoa+ High Protein Chocolate: 

I don't know about you but when I'm at a 9am-5pm day at uni, all I want is some chocolate! All I do in uni is snack, so this is ideal for me... and it has protein in it (It's basically healthy chocolate, so ya know' EAT IT ALL)! 

Yuyo Yerba Spice Tea:

This is the only thing in the box that I wasn't sure about but that's just because of my personal preference, I'm not a fan of flavoured tea. However, this tea is the perfect remedy to get rid of that freshers flu that lingers around every year!

'Tub' The UniBox Magazine:

This magazine comes with every box. It is filled with leaflets and information all about UniBox! All targeted to what students would be interested in! 


If you like the look of this box and want to order yourself or someone else one then all information is below: 
(All Subscription Packages can be purchased through this link >>> HERE)

Monthly Subscription: £24.99 >>> Per Box
3 Months Pre-pay Subscription: £23.98 >>> One UniBox every month for 3 months
6 Months Pre-pay Subscription: £22.50 >>> One UniBox every month for 6 months


Thank you to The UniBox for sending me this box to try! I'll definitely be purchasing one again in the future, it has cheered me up so much and it will hopefully get me through this last stretch of uni! 

Find UniBox here:

Instagram: @theunibox
Facebook: The UniBox Sub
Twitter: @theunibox_

*DISCLAIMER* All products were sent to me by The UniBox however, all opinions are 100% my own and have not be influenced by the brand.

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

" I have bad Anxiety because..."

Fighting Anxiety on a daily basis is harder than you think. Everyone has the feeling of being anxious but it is when you differentiate the feeling of normal anxious emotions, to having an Anxiety disorder. It is normal to get the occasional anxious feeling every now and again in understandable situations for example, before an exam or public speaking! 

BUT... when you suffer with an Anxiety disorder whether that's general (GAD), social anxiety, agoraphobia or panic disorder (which in most cases comes with all types of Anxiety) it can be debilitating, crippling and you honestly feel like you are dying. I constantly see comments being thrown around on social media and TV saying "It's giving me anxiety", which can be understandable if someone actually has anxiety, but when it is used in a light hearted (ignorant) way for example, when you're watching a TV show and there's a tiny bit of suspense, you don't just magically get diagnosed with Anxiety.
Don't get me wrong, you do not have to be formally diagnosed to have Anxiety, I was only diagnosed last year but I have suffered with it for most of my life, having my first panic attack at around the age of 7. However, when people make comments about having Anxiety when they clearly do not have the illness (Yes, it is an actual illness, a chemical imbalance in the brain) it can be so frustrating for someone like me who has to fight the battle every day sometimes (the majority of the time) struggling to even leave the bed and get on with the day, after a sleepless night of having panic attack after panic attack. 

I was diagnosed with Anxiety (GAD/Social/Panic Disorder) and Depression July last year, so believe me when I say I STRUGGLE! 

Rich inspired me to write this post after he wrote a similar one about OCD >>> Read here! But I wanted to do something slightly different and get some other people involved... so here are some of mine and other Anxiety sufferers statements:

"I have bad Anxiety because..."

  • I can't leave the house without feeling like something bad is going to happen to me.
  • I can be up for the whole night having endless panic attacks, to the point Rich feels the need to call an ambulance. 
  • I can feel so lonely and isolated even when I'm surrounded by people I love.
  • I feel like the whole world is closing in on me whenever I'm in a situation I can't control.
  • I have to go outside to get air and to calm down on nights out because I don't like being in a crowded place, especially when intoxicated. 
  • I feel so disconnected from everyone... I feel alienated.
  • I can feel anxious to the point I feel physically sick, but when someone asks why, the words just don't come out. 
  • I immediately become paranoid when I see a tweet and think it's about me, even though I haven't even mentioned what they're tweeting about. 
  • I can't remember the last time I've gone through a day without a panic attack or feeling anxious. 
  • I feel like I have a herd of elephants standing on my chest stopping me from breathing.
  • I feel like I'm in a constant nightmare, where I am running and shouting but I'm not moving anywhere and the words are not coming out. 
  • I have the constant battle between wanting to do well in life and not caring at all, but when I don't care I start falling behind and failing, resulting in my anxiety getting worse. 
  • I want to socialise but it's like someone has chained my feet down so I can't move and my voice in non-existent. 
  • I constantly go over past conversations either from the day or 10 years ago just to check whether I said anything I shouldn't have said. 
  • I immediately want the ground to swallow me up whenever I walk into a room and hear people laughing, because I immediately think they're talking about me.
I could honestly go on forever, but this gives you some idea of what I (and many others) have to go through on a daily basis! Now for some other people's statements:












Others who wanted to stay anonymous: 


Since being officially diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression it has been one ol' struggle! Both illnesses run in my family so I've literally grown up with it. It takes over your life however, you can get help, see your GP, talk to a loved one... do anything you can do to ease it! 
I was kindly sent this book by the author Chloe Brotheridge to help with my Anxiety. "The Anxiety Solution" is all about Chloe's experiences with Anxiety and how she overcame the illness. The book includes different techniques to help manage your Anxiety and to hopefully overcome it, including meditation tips, a self-care diary and breathing techniques. I am yet to start reading this (thanks to endless amounts of uni work) but from what I've heard, it sounds like it's going to help me a lot! 

If you struggle with Anxiety and need a little bit of self help, then I strongly urge you to go and purchase this book! Links listed below of where you can find it:


Sorry for this long rambling post but I hope it helped you to understand the difference between feeling anxious and having anxiety!

Thank you to everyone who contributed to this post, I hope you're all doing ok and kicking Anxiety's ass! Love you all x

*Thank you to Chloe for sending your book, I can't wait to get time to properly read it!

Sunday, 29 January 2017

My Little Noggin

I am so grateful for having the chance to live my life, think for myself and be who I want to be, but with anxiety and depression looming over me this can be much more of a task. I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember, from being a little 6 (ish) year old having her first ever panic attack, to now going through everyday battling and fighting on. Anxiety can take over your life. Every single little thing you do can cause some sort of fear and panic. A lot of people brush anxiety under the carpet... panic attacks are apparently just hyperventilating and shaking... oh how this is soooo wrong! Panic attacks come in all shapes and sizes and affect people in different ways. I've had the kind of panic attacks where I hyperventilate to the point of exhaustion and I collapse, to ones where I feel like I physically cannot move, but I'm not shaking or breathing uncontrollably. I could be having a panic attack and no one would ever know! 
Unfortunately, Rich has only seen the kind of panic attacks where you can physically see I am not ok and he's yet to experience all the others I could have. Nevertheless, he has been my rock these past few months, university has really taken its toll and I've become mentally and physically ill and exhausted; I've pushed myself to breaking point. He stays up with me pretty much every night when I feel panicky or when I have a full blown panic attack. But as nice as this is, my anxiety and overthinking takes over and I begin to doubt everything. Can he handle it all? Am I a nuisance? Does he still love me the same way he did at the beginning of our relationship? Is he going to break up with me? 

My little noggin has a lot of thoughts spiralling around 24/7. Anxiety and depression never stops! Recently, in particular I've really struggled with relationships and friendships. I am constantly doubting myself and questioning every little detail possible; it is mentally and physically exhausting. I've recently heard a lot of people say "Anxiety does not physically affect you, it's all in your head", Yes, it is a chemical imbalance in the brain that is causing it, but that does not mean I can just switch it off and ignore it. It is physically debilitating to the point it can affect my every day life. I've had quite a lot of time off of uni this year due to exhaustion and mental health. I've had nights where Rich has been up with me all night whilst I have a panic attack, and I wake up the next morning without any physical or mental energy to get out of bed and go to uni. To make matters worse, when I do have time off uni, I can't just relax and recover... I'm sitting in bed literally crying and panicking whilst tackling the mountain of work in front of me. It has got to the point sometimes where Rich literally has to tell me to stop because he can see it's affecting my health! 

Which brings me on to my next point. The 'help' at uni for mental health is dire! I do not need a 'Positive Thinking' workshop to 'get over' my anxiety and depression. When is the education system going to take things seriously and treat mental health the same way as physical health? Students who battle with mental health alongside the 'normal' stress of uni, need all the help they can get otherwise it all gets too much! 

I feel like sometimes because I have the most common mental illnesses, I'm not taken as seriously. I'm just following the crowd according to some people. Yes, there are millions of other mental illnesses out there that need the same, if not more recognition and understanding but can some people stop bashing people who are really struggling with anxiety and depression, just because they have a 'common' illness. 
I don't really know where this post is going but I just wanted to chuck a few of my thoughts down... 

People need to stop classing anxiety and depression as the 'norm' and treat it the same as any other mental illness. 

People need to realise that having anxiety and depression does take over your life physically and it is NOT all in my head! 

The education system really need to up their bloody game and help us mentally ill students out! 

People need to understand that anxiety is not just panic attacks, it's self doubt, doubting relationships, questioning everything you do and say, feeling uncomfortable in situations and having a panic attack without any one knowing... the list goes on! 

I'm at the stage where I feel I'm back to square one with my mental health, mainly due to the pressure from university. BUT I know that I will get better, I will push on and my little noggin will be less cloudy one day! 


Thank you for all the continued support on Twitter and on here! You are all lovely humans who I have the privilege to call my friends :) Feel free to share your views and your stories in the comments below! I'd love to find out what you all think <3 


Soph x